Though writing has always been something I love to do, journaling and taking notes of my own thoughts and experiences has been a struggle for me; many notebooks long forgotten, many online accounts closed due to inactivity. I know why I have had issues with keeping a journal or blog, and I feel as if sharing this matter in my very first post will bring security and promise for future posts. And, to show the diversity of subjects that I hope to bring to this blog I shall end it with a new cake recipe that I tried recently.
At this point it has been about eight years since my junior year of high school. I was very active in academic competitions and the National FFA Organization all throughout high school, even playing tennis when it did not conflict with my academic events. I had come a long way from where I had once been and was actually doing well. I was writing regularly, which helped my sort out my thoughts and emotions and take out everything that I was dealing with—everything bad was left behind on pages of my green diary with a cute monkey on the cover.
Something we were accustomed to at school was periodic drug dog visits. We all had to leave the classroom as the rude old lady and her dog walked up and down each row of desks in each classroom. Most of the time, the dog alerted to things like flavored peanuts and beef jerky. During hunting season, it alerted to the smell of gunpowder—no one ever got into trouble, we were in a very rural area. The dog also often alerted to my things, and I noticed that if I were not in sight of the lady leading the dog he never chose my bag. Yes, I do think she was singling me out on purpose. On one day in particular, she stopped at my bag, claiming that the dog had alerted, and I was called in to dump out my things. I had done this many times before. However, this time as she asked her standard questions about food and medication that may have been in the bag, she picked up and opened my journal. She flipped through the pages, and asked me to explain myself. What did she want me to say? It’s mine, it’s in my backpack. She set it down and told me to show her my arms. Yes, I was a cutter. Yes, I talked about it in my journal. The councilor and principal were present as she ridiculed me for having the nerve to have this journal at school because if another student had gotten a hold of it, they may be very disturbed and want to cut as well. I explained that it never left my backpack at school and the sole purpose for it being in there was so that my parents don’t see it. The guidance councilor took me to her office to speak with me about calling my mom to tell her as she forced me to let her read her pages from my journal.
So there it is. I haven’t been able to write because this has been troubling me for eight years. During high school, I did a great job hiding scars and the ones I didn’t I had a good lie for (unless it was a close friend). I have grown up a lot more since then, gotten better, stopped self harming, and found new methods of dealing with…myself. Instead of lying when asked about my scars, I ask a question: do you want the truth, or something that sounds good? My response to your answer could be a story of how I overcame this imperceptible and difficult to understand addiction, or it could determine that you cannot handle the truth and I do not have time for pansies so we don’t need to talk anymore anyway.
Ultimately, I find that the writing of thoughts, opinions, and emotions has been in the practice of masters: artists, writers, scientists, mathematicians. It is just a good thing to do, and I have become an opinionated and open person in pursuit of sharing truth and new ideas in which Facebook no longer cuts for me. If you read to this point in hopes of cake, it is nigh as promised:
Lemony Banana Cake with Lemon Vanilla Glaze
What you need for the cake:
1 mashed, ripe banana
½ small fresh lemon
1 cup flour
½ cup sugar
¾ tsp baking powder
5.3 oz Greek yogurt (this is the size of container that my yogurt comes in. If you buy in bulk, about ¾ cup)
½ cup coconut water
½ stick butter, melted
1 tsp vanilla extract
Two mixing bowels (you can do one if you’re lazy, I’ll forgive you)
Something to bake this thing in. (I used a 9” by 9” cake pan)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In one mixing bowl, sift together all your powdered ingredients. In the other mixing bowel blend together all liquids with the banana. At this point I squeeze in me lemon half. Then, add the bowl of powder ingredients to the liquid and blend until the only lumps are some remaining banana fibers. Bake until light brown. Or don’t. If you undercook it the consistency will be a yummy squishy lemony banana bar.
What you need for the glaze:
½ cup of powdered sugar (aka confectioners’ sugar)
3 tsp milk
That other half of lemon
1 tsp vanilla
Mix everything in a bowel and squeeze in a few drops of lemon juice. This will be perfect to drizzle on the cake (or bars, whichever you make) but you can also double the recipe for more coverage. I add this on while my cake thing is still warm.
I am not a professional, but unless you put a fork in the microwave when you’re melting your butter, you can totally try this at home.
Thank you for reading my first post. There will be a variety of subjects to come, which I’m sure you can tell by all the subjects listed in the menu. Join me in my journey of learning and growing as I search for truth and new things to be opinionated about as I am designing Lorri.