Persnickety Possibilities

“Where has the time gone?” Days, weeks, years. Time moves past us at a pace that we cannot keep up with. Our hopes and dreams all trickle like sand through the hour glass, and where am I? Sometimes I feel like I am watching from the sidelines as so much moves past me. Reaching out to pull back against the tail of time as it wings past, I fall short. Missing the flight.

It’s a typical thing to ask a graduating senior, or anyone looking to start a new chapter in their life: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”  When I was a senior in high school I saw myself graduating college, and moving on to a fancy graphic design job in a big city like Austin. I never thought I could hate graphic design, but I honestly do. When I was a senior in college I saw myself going to grad school and continuing my education. If I could get my MFA, I could be a professor. However, I did not get into grad school. I most certainly never saw myself getting married, appreciating life outside the city, and living with my grandma. Looking back on the things I used to desire, and now looking forward with my new goals in mind, I realize I had been chasing the wrong flight all along.

As simple a phrase as it is, I keep going back to a design on a TWLOHA t-shirt that I saw that reads: “People need other people.” I have never considered before this year that I truly do need other people. There are obvious things, like not being able to exist without parents and so forth, and all those who have helped me along the way. But what I have truly thought on is the profound feeling of looking at someone and thinking, “I need you.” I need the people closest to me like my mom, my brother and sister, and my grandma and grandpa. During our whole wedding planning endeavor, the one thing that pops up and makes the whole process incomplete is that my grandpa won’t be there. Each person is part of a perfect picture of each life around them, and I hope that everyone realizes this. I hope my grandpa knew that he was part of ours, that we needed him to be in our perfect picture. This past year a close family member of mine attempted suicide, and I have been so stuck on not knowing what to say or do. What works better than saying “nothing is the same without you”? What do you say? You need me and I need you, because people need other people. Simple, but true; yet, how in the world can we show others the truth? You are a part of my picture, and I am I part of yours.

For some, tonight will be just another night. The countdown will come and go, no midnight kiss and no fireworks. For many, it will be a party and a celebration for the coming year. For me, and I hope others too, that this will be a time of reflection and new hopes and dreams. Time does not go around the circle and come back again. The sand that has fallen in the hour glass is long gone, and so are regrets and missed opportunities. So with that, I look for forgiveness and newness in future goals. I will not dwell on the past beyond this time of much needed reflection. I hope whoever is reading this chooses to move on from anything that is holding you back from any dreams, and that you give yourself the freedom to have new dreams.

So where do I see myself in five years? Maybe we will be struggling to get by, or maybe we will be doing well. I might be juggling bills and stressing out about almost being thirty and wondering how we are going to manage homeschooling our hypothetical children. Whatever the future has in store, I am not going to waste time settling for my own hopes and dreams. Typically, whatever falls into place is better than what I thought I wanted back in the beginning.

 

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