When I first snuck a pregnancy test home I had no real hope of getting a positive result. I just wanted to know. I had missed a couple periods and only when my mom asked if I had any tampons did I realize: I haven’t bought any lately because I haven’t needed any. So initially, my thoughts were that I was either pregnant, or something is wrong because I have had the exact same schedule each month for years.
It was like tossing a coin. When you can’t decide what you want at first, you toss a coin. Then while it’s in the air, just before it lands, you realize what side you want it to be on. As those little lines of positivity started appearing, I felt the strangest mixture of relief and excitement. It was like I had no idea that I wanted this at first, and then when it happened I knew. I was determined to remain positive. There are no words of guilt and negativity anyone can say to make me regret my baby, but I will say, I am aware that this is going to be hard, stressful, and exhausting.
My first step was telling the father. I honestly just wanted to keep it to myself for a while, but that’s not fair. We wanted to get things in order, get married, get an apartment. But, he had been acting weird before, and it got significantly worse after finding out I was pregnant. Weird in the way in which he was stocking me at work, acting extremely possessive, and secretive. I kept catching him in lies about various things, so it had to come to me breaking things off with him. I had to break up with him twice because “I don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s over” didn’t cut it the first time. I do not believe that “staying together for the kids” is always the answer, and in this case I decided to get the hell out of there.
Telling my mom was next on my agenda. I did not want to go to a doctor by myself, I wanted to freely talk about baby things, and I wanted to blog about it. But, I wanted my mom to know first. I kept quiet for too long I think, but I just was hoping for the right moment. Ultimately, after my ex showed up at our house on my birthday (uninvited and with no prior notice), it was time to explain what had been going on. Honesty was my birthday present to me.
I am grateful the Central Texas Life Center was able to see me and do the first ultrasound, in addition to everything else they offer. I had not considered getting insurance before and of course, now that I need it I have to wait for October when open enrollment begins. Evidently, having a baby is not considered I life event…go figure. Anyway, my due date is November 23, 2016. AKA: my little sister’s birthday. My sister is excited, but I hope it’s a few days after because I don’t like sharing things and, well, I don’t want my baby to have to share her day either. As for my brother, he isn’t particularly excited about babies in general, and would have preferred for it to be a boy.
I am scheduled for a 3d ultrasound on Tuesday; so of course, there are more photos to come. I considered not sharing these but they are technically her first ever pictures, so why not? This little girl already has two outfits and a blankie, and a family that’s really excited to meet her. Life is going to be really difficult, but I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle, and evidently believes I can handle this.