Just yesterday I met one of my aunt’s friends who asked how old my daughter was. I had to seriously think and do some math, then settled for “almost 2”. My mom-brain really stops me from doing simple math sometimes. But really, my tiny human is a tall and sassy 22-month-old who will be celebrating her 2nd birthday in December. All I can do is reflect on all this little girl and I have been through.
It hasn’t been an easy journey for us, but it’s been a blessing all the way. When I very first realized I was going to be a mom, I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time. I wanted to get things in order: find a new place to live, put more money aside, and get mentally prepared. I didn’t even make an appointment with an OB/GYN until I was already 5 months along (my first experience with that is for another blog post).
It was in August, on my birthday. I already had come to realize my now ex-fiance was not able to help in any way financially and was acting flaky about the whole thing, so I ultimately chose to end our relationship. With my new baby in mind, I was not willing to waste time stressing out about whether he was still all in or not–or if he was willing to put aside his old life for this new one. Most people I know that became pregnant before marriage jump at the first opportunity to get married–not me. I broke up with my daughter’s father on my birthday, then when into the kitchen where my mom was cooking and finally told her the news. She is the only person that didn’t get a cutesy pregnancy announcement.
Most people don’t “choose” to be a single mom. It’s a situation you end up in by a long train of mistakes. In a sense, I turned away the person I had been with for three years and had been engaged to, thus choosing to be a single mom. I won’t ever know if I made the right decision, but I am ready to face the effects of my actions. A year went by before he and I spoke again.
When my daughter was about 4 months old, her face really began to crush my soul. I could see little attributes that were just like her father’s: her chin, her ears, her hair–all his. Not only that but her humor and attitude. She is really everything about him that I once loved.
I let a good long while go by again before I finally began thinking of what I would say if I contacted him again. I wondered if he had moved on and just wanted to be left alone by us, I worried he would think I was just showing up because I needed money, and I was worried about what to say. Finally, I found him on facebook and sent a long, long message about how cutting him off completely was the wrong thing to do and if he wanted, he could be a part of our daughter’s life. Ball now in his court.
Much more to it, but now we try our best both play a role in her life. It still hurts watching the person that was once my best friend be so naturally wonderful with our daughter. I can’t help but think that it’s so much easier to move on when you hate each other, but we don’t. I still catch myself almost reaching for his hand about to touch his hair. I still go from silent to talking non-stop because he is still one of the few people that will listen.
Here we are. My Greatly-Loved and Highly Favored (that’s what her name means in Hebrew) little girl will be 2 soon. A lot of this journey has been learning to forgive–myself as well as others. Because of my choices, Naomi has had a rocky start. But I believe God is actively protecting us and that she will have just as much of a chance to succeed as anyone else. I am praying for better years to come. We will always have hard times, but the hurt is where the good stories come from.
Meditating on Scripture
The Woman at the Well
I have been thinking of this story from John as I reflect on my trials with my daughter and her father. Even this woman who had had 5 husbands and was probably looked down on by those around her, was met face to face with Jesus:
When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?”(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)
The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)
Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
John 4: 7-14 NIV Read the Full Chapter
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